Hey Ford!

A lot of people (read "nobody") constantly (read "seldom") ask me for advice. I'm always happy to comply, and usually fire it off randomly, hitting innocent bystanders in the face, and severely wounding friends and loved ones with the ricochet

Here are a few examples of the many questions that people bombard me with daily:

"Hey Ford, what the hell is that thing growing on your neck?"

Thanks for noticing! That is my head, jerkface.

"Hey Ford, should I get a double cheeseburger with bacon, or a tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch?"

You should get the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch. It has a radical and somewhat contraversal commercial that embodies nonsensical whimsy which I find intriguing, while at the same time explaining in detail the very ingredients which make up the sandwich.

"Hey Ford, I'm really struggling with 'string theory', can you help make sense of it?

No.

"Hey Ford, I've been feeding my dog cheesecake for a couple years, and it is starting to look funky. (the dog, I mean) what should I do?

You should give the dog to someone that isn't insane. Or, depending on the funkyness of the dog, shoot it. (the dog, I mean)

"Hey Ford, I have a painful rash on my thigh, want to see it?

I don't see why not. Sure.

"In the equation G_ave = Bg_e + (1 - B)g_a, B = 1/[(r_a/r_e) + 1], which value for re should I use to calculate the average gravity on the planet Hoth?"

The planet Hoth's radius is 6437.5 km, give or take a few metres for the ice. That should work.

"My child is a monster, should I call one of those 'super nannies'?

You should beat some sense into your stupid kid. Only call a 'super nanny' if 'super nanny' is like a 'super model'. I'm pretty sure it isn't, so if you do call one, you'll probably just get an earful of quack child rearing advice like 'listen to your child' or 'don't serve Red Bull cocktails before bed' and 'GTA: San Andreas isn't for children under 18'. In extreme cases, calling a 'super nanny' is just cruel to the nanny. What did she do to deserve having to spend time with you and your crappy kids?

"I am thinking of buying a new car, but don't want to hurt Mother Earth. Should I purchase one of those new hybrid cars?"

Yes. In fact, you should buy a bicycle. Buy an electrice car instead if you can. Save all the gas possible, and use one of those push mowers that don't have any engines. That way, I can use all the gas you saved....