As project lead here at the "Brown Betty" rocket research lab, I feel it is my duty to inform the public, and let the world know our precarious situation.
"We started out bravely by stealing equipment from junkyards to keep down the costs, and on occasion, purchasing from online auction sites. We started our research with a simple design in Pete's mom's kitchen. Initial experiements were disappointing, and Pete reached a paltry 2' in the air with 2nd degree burns on his calves. Undaunted, we continued.
We raised an impressive $500 dollars by begging online and by knocking over a neighbor's lemonade stand, and began experiments with a much larger design that we stole from an Iranian gentleman in an alley.
The results were staggering. Most of my research team, (Pete, Pete's brother Chuck, and an anonymous online source known only as "OBL44") were injured and required medical attention. I was encouraged. The sky was the limit if we could raise more money!
I immediately setup a production facility and churned out several hundred units of new rockets using child labour in France, and hired a team of mercenaries to steal a ton of cash from convenience stores in order to raise money for our new venture.
The new project was focused on teleportation, since rocketry was deemed dangerous by the project leads (with one nay vote!) This was a bit trickier, and required large amounts of radioactive things. A brief visit to a local nuclear reactor provided all of the equipment necessary. We got a great deal on the parts, thanks to Pete's dad working there. They were only using the surplus isotopes to cook hotdogs, as they were mostly depleted.
Pete's brother accidentally got his DNA merged with that of a fly, and we had quite a time getting him locked up in a cage in the backyard. Pete's neighbor was brutally mauled and we had to lay low for a while as the police investigated. 48 Hours did a piece on the case, but we dressed up as cheerleaders and fooled them.
Things went terribly awry around the "Teleporting a Fruit Bat Into a Brick" stage, since we mis-calculated the distance to the brick, and teleported a demon from another dimension into Pete's sister's room. I don't know what happened in there, because we ran away in terror, but it can't have been good. I'm pretty sure we left the teleporter on when we ran away, because all sorts of crap as been teleporting in recently and eating the souls of children and ceiling mold.
A number of government agents found out somehow, and have assassinated my hamster "Mr. Wiggles" for no reason. I've come to despise these uneducated morons. How can they hope to understand our work? I've even come to doubt Pete's loyalty as I have seen him crying and blubbering incoherently to a federal agent. Everyone will pay, and I have struck a deal with Chttulfflw the Wise to become more smarter than ever."
Those are the words of "Brown Betty" founder P.J. Larough as written in his journal when he was 13 years of age. He is now quite a lot older, and hiding in his Moon base somewhere underneath the lunar surface. He continues to fund our research, and is quite safe from the random adventurers that attempt to stop both us, and him.
We are carrying on his work, and have developed a teleporter capable of teleporting the entire earth 4cm to the left. I feel that we are very close to success.
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