A lot of people (read "nobody") constantly (read "seldom") ask me for advice. I'm always happy to comply, and usually fire it off randomly, hitting innocent bystanders in the face, and severely wounding friends and loved ones with the ricochet
Here are a few examples of the many questions that people bombard me with daily:
"Hey Ford, what the hell is that thing growing on your neck?"
Thanks for noticing! That is my head, jerkface.
"Hey Ford, should I get a double cheeseburger with bacon, or a tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch?"
You should get the tender crisp bacon cheddar ranch. It has a radical and somewhat contraversal commercial that embodies nonsensical whimsy which I find intriguing, while at the same time explaining in detail the very ingredients which make up the sandwich.
"Hey Ford, I'm really struggling with 'string theory', can you help make sense of it?
No.
"Hey Ford, I've been feeding my dog cheesecake for a couple years, and it is starting to look funky. (the dog, I mean) what should I do?
You should give the dog to someone that isn't insane. Or, depending on the funkyness of the dog, shoot it. (the dog, I mean)
"Hey Ford, I have a painful rash on my thigh, want to see it?
I don't see why not. Sure.
"In the equation Gave = Bge + (1 - B)ga, B = 1/[(ra/re) + 1], which value for re should I use to calculate the average gravity on the planet Hoth?"
The planet Hoth's radius is 6437.5 km, give or take a few metres for the ice. That should work.
"My child is a monster, should I call one of those 'super nannies'?
You should beat some sense into your stupid kid. Only call a 'super nanny' if 'super nanny' is like a 'super model'. I'm pretty sure it isn't, so if you do call one, you'll probably just get an earful of quack child rearing advice like 'listen to your child' or 'don't serve Red Bull cocktails before bed' and 'GTA: San Andreas isn't for children under 18'. In extreme cases, calling a 'super nanny' is just cruel to the nanny. What did she do to deserve having to spend time with you and your crappy kids?
"I am thinking of buying a new car, but don't want to hurt Mother Earth. Should I purchase one of those new hybrid cars?"
Yes. In fact, you should buy a bicycle. Buy an electrice car instead if you can. Save all the gas possible, and use one of those push mowers that don't have any engines. That way, I can use all the gas you saved....
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
!st Movie review!
Hmm... as far as movies go, Boa vs Python wasn't the worst. Not if you can turn your brain off, and just watch like a zombie, ignoring the many nonsensical turns the movie takes.
Don't ever think about what is happening, or else you will start to get annoyed. The underlying premise is that a huge snake escapes, so in order to track(?) it down, the government decides to use, (what else?) another huge and unpredictable snake. Why not? It's not like this other giant snake is dangerous or anything. Oh wait. It is. It isn't as if it cost any more money to have 2 snakes. Nope. Not when the second is the exact same snake, but with a different colour skin. That way, you only have to pay the Mr. Halbrook's nephew for one 3d snake, and not 2.
While the government chases their snake (we'll call it Tonto) into some sort of tunnel system, a rag-tag team of misfit big game hunters hunt it from the other end. Fearless leader, the infamous and annoyingly arrogant Broddick, some guy with a crossbow, a couple of dorks from Cabela, the token Texan, some dude that only carries one bullet, and Broddicks girl, who carries dual pistols. (Why, I don't know. It's cool and all, but those Glocks aren't going to be much use against a giant snake.) There isn't anything about this team that makes them likable, which is good, because (spoiler!) they all die. You almost feel sorry for them, but only for a second, because it's got to be pretty humiliating to lose to such a pathetic 'monster'. I was rooting for this team, since they at least had the foresight to bring a lot of guns along and want to kill the snake, but what are you gonna do.
On the government's side, there a a few soldiers of some sort, which are hopelessly inept. They are lead by some guy from the government, and a couple of Hollywood nerds with a tricorder.
In the end, something happens to the snakes, the nerds survive, Broddick gets to use a flamethrower (which doesn't ham the snakes at all,) and the whole thing is left open for a sequel for some reason.
Oh yeah, there are a few spots of pointless nudity too, so you can feel even more ashamed for watching this thing...
Don't ever think about what is happening, or else you will start to get annoyed. The underlying premise is that a huge snake escapes, so in order to track(?) it down, the government decides to use, (what else?) another huge and unpredictable snake. Why not? It's not like this other giant snake is dangerous or anything. Oh wait. It is. It isn't as if it cost any more money to have 2 snakes. Nope. Not when the second is the exact same snake, but with a different colour skin. That way, you only have to pay the Mr. Halbrook's nephew for one 3d snake, and not 2.
While the government chases their snake (we'll call it Tonto) into some sort of tunnel system, a rag-tag team of misfit big game hunters hunt it from the other end. Fearless leader, the infamous and annoyingly arrogant Broddick, some guy with a crossbow, a couple of dorks from Cabela, the token Texan, some dude that only carries one bullet, and Broddicks girl, who carries dual pistols. (Why, I don't know. It's cool and all, but those Glocks aren't going to be much use against a giant snake.) There isn't anything about this team that makes them likable, which is good, because (spoiler!) they all die. You almost feel sorry for them, but only for a second, because it's got to be pretty humiliating to lose to such a pathetic 'monster'. I was rooting for this team, since they at least had the foresight to bring a lot of guns along and want to kill the snake, but what are you gonna do.
On the government's side, there a a few soldiers of some sort, which are hopelessly inept. They are lead by some guy from the government, and a couple of Hollywood nerds with a tricorder.
In the end, something happens to the snakes, the nerds survive, Broddick gets to use a flamethrower (which doesn't ham the snakes at all,) and the whole thing is left open for a sequel for some reason.
Oh yeah, there are a few spots of pointless nudity too, so you can feel even more ashamed for watching this thing...
Friday, March 04, 2005
A true story
"But why?" I asked. My boss, Mr. Mathers had just told me that I could not wear a spacesuit to work.
"Because it doesn't match the decor of our office." He replied, and sat back down to finish whipping the mail boy. I removed my helmet, and climbed down the ladder to the hallway and mounted my steed. I galluped back to my cubicle and complained loudly to my coworker Fred.
"Stupid jerk thinks he owns the place!" I hollered. Fred paused the game he was playing, and glanced my way.
"What was that?" he asked.
"I said, our boss is a jerk."
"Oh, that." Fred said, and resumed his game. I went back to work, seething with rage.
Later, I poured my coffee into a shoe, and when I went to go get a 'free' refill from the coffee river that flows through the campus, I hid inside of a large cabinet. When everyone else left, I sneaked out of my cabinet, and began to wire explosives to my cubicle. When I was nearly done, I was approached by a janitor. There was much fighting.
I woke up in the hospital, and seeing that I was two arms richer, I panicked. I leapt out of bed, and ran outside, where I was hit by a car. I crawled away using my new arms as legs, and took a nap inside of a cave down by the beach. I managed to get my extra arms chewed off by a shark, and returned to work the next day. I still have the scars from where my extra arms used to be.
I got a huge promotion at work, and became Head Hotdog Vendor in the phone bank.
"Because it doesn't match the decor of our office." He replied, and sat back down to finish whipping the mail boy. I removed my helmet, and climbed down the ladder to the hallway and mounted my steed. I galluped back to my cubicle and complained loudly to my coworker Fred.
"Stupid jerk thinks he owns the place!" I hollered. Fred paused the game he was playing, and glanced my way.
"What was that?" he asked.
"I said, our boss is a jerk."
"Oh, that." Fred said, and resumed his game. I went back to work, seething with rage.
Later, I poured my coffee into a shoe, and when I went to go get a 'free' refill from the coffee river that flows through the campus, I hid inside of a large cabinet. When everyone else left, I sneaked out of my cabinet, and began to wire explosives to my cubicle. When I was nearly done, I was approached by a janitor. There was much fighting.
I woke up in the hospital, and seeing that I was two arms richer, I panicked. I leapt out of bed, and ran outside, where I was hit by a car. I crawled away using my new arms as legs, and took a nap inside of a cave down by the beach. I managed to get my extra arms chewed off by a shark, and returned to work the next day. I still have the scars from where my extra arms used to be.
I got a huge promotion at work, and became Head Hotdog Vendor in the phone bank.
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