My sister just emailed me the following letter I composed at my grandmother's house whilst testing her electric typewriter. It makes more sense than many of my more recent blog posts---
"Dear Sirs:
Why do you torment me with your bills and strong arm men? I am a sensitive individual. I cannot abide such mean and worldly pursuits.
If you must persist in this cowardly persecution, I may be forced to pay you in old fish heads and used lightbulbs. We neither of us want that to happen, do we?
Please do not send that man named "Roscoe" again. He is a frightening, beastly man. I cannot understand why you would employ such riff-raff. I had thought you were more verflavian than that.
Also, I wonder if you would mind returning my dog you repossessed on Friday. he is quite nice, and I am afriad of what Roscoe may do to him. The dog's name is "Baskin Robbins" but he will respond to "TCBY" as well. DO NOT FEED HIM MONKEY WRENCHES! This is a Bad Idea. I did it once, but it was an accident. He is really too small to properly digest such things. Use smaller hardware if you must.
Thank you for your kind attention, and remember to smell the buttercups as they are loving caresses by the light of the moon in June with a spoon in your buffoon.
You will not find me at my previous address, so don't bother."
---You might not think it as funny as I do...
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Monday, June 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Nine times out of ten...
"Soooooooooooo
ooooooooooooS"
Thusly did the radio transmitter on the dashboard squawk. Little lights blinked randomly.
Mike's head snapped up, and he rubbed his eyes.
"Shouldn't have been sleeping on the job, Mike." He told himself.
He glanced at the dashboard, and fell asleep again.
====================
"French Fries?"
"Yes." Captain von Rickenheimer slapped the princess.
8888888888888888888
"Which one do you like best?" Mary Darling asked her pet flamingo, George.
"The red one does not suit your complexion." He said, matter of factly. He took a puff from his ivory tobacco pipe, and squinted.
"Are those electric, or gas?"
"I wish!" I still have use my imagination to make them go."
Mary pouted, and fired a few rounds at the wall.
"Nearly finished my second name there" She commented, before holstering her weapon, and spitting on the floor.
George flapped his wings, and soothed his ruffled feathers.
"At least you don't have to turn one of those damn cranks."
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Four Prizonshiv cruise missiles cruised towards a large bulbous city that crept across the horizon. They were large, massively large. They had to be, to carry all of that cranberry jelly.
On radar, they were little bigger than the period at the end of this sentence
qrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqr
Mike slapped at an imaginary fly that tickled the hair on his hand, and continued to dream of walruses and Spanish Guitar.
"Sooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooS"
"Blink"
"Blink"
99999999999999999999999999999
In the corner, a wily cockroach scanned the readout on his wrist computer.
"All systems are functionals" He clicked, harshly.
"Durkha, Durkha!"
.......................................................:.........
The princess sneezed. Captain von Rickenheimer wiped his nose and drew meaningless little designs on the cocktail napkin.
Two shots rang out, and a third grabbed his jacket and ran.
"Damn you." The princess muttered under her breath, and stabbed the Captain in his face.
Her decorative sandwich toothpick snapped in two, leaving her holding the decorative spleen portion, while the pointy business end jutted painfully out of the cheek of the Captain.
He fell to the floor screaming.
"Horseradish! Not Horseradish!"
The waiter cleared the table.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Well, if you already liked that one, then why bother me?" George swallowed his whiskey awkwardly, as only a bird, or possibly a baby human can.
Mary Darling shot a glance at him and selected the one she secretly wanted all along, and inserted it into her clothing emitter. Instantly, the world exploded into a ball of cranberry jelly.
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
The vast army of cockroaches approached the creeping mass of cranberry jelly in lockstep. They brandished marlin spikes and turnpikes.
"I say," quoth the soaring beetle-hawk,"lets eat them cockroaches, eh?" His wings closed tight against his body, and he dove down, like a hockey player. The roach army disappeared in a puff of feathers, and nine times out of ten, that sort of thing will happen.
ooooooooooooS"
Thusly did the radio transmitter on the dashboard squawk. Little lights blinked randomly.
Mike's head snapped up, and he rubbed his eyes.
"Shouldn't have been sleeping on the job, Mike." He told himself.
He glanced at the dashboard, and fell asleep again.
====================
"French Fries?"
"Yes." Captain von Rickenheimer slapped the princess.
8888888888888888888
"Which one do you like best?" Mary Darling asked her pet flamingo, George.
"The red one does not suit your complexion." He said, matter of factly. He took a puff from his ivory tobacco pipe, and squinted.
"Are those electric, or gas?"
"I wish!" I still have use my imagination to make them go."
Mary pouted, and fired a few rounds at the wall.
"Nearly finished my second name there" She commented, before holstering her weapon, and spitting on the floor.
George flapped his wings, and soothed his ruffled feathers.
"At least you don't have to turn one of those damn cranks."
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Four Prizonshiv cruise missiles cruised towards a large bulbous city that crept across the horizon. They were large, massively large. They had to be, to carry all of that cranberry jelly.
On radar, they were little bigger than the period at the end of this sentence
qrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqrqr
Mike slapped at an imaginary fly that tickled the hair on his hand, and continued to dream of walruses and Spanish Guitar.
"Sooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooS"
"Blink"
"Blink"
99999999999999999999999999999
In the corner, a wily cockroach scanned the readout on his wrist computer.
"All systems are functionals" He clicked, harshly.
"Durkha, Durkha!"
.......................................................:.........
The princess sneezed. Captain von Rickenheimer wiped his nose and drew meaningless little designs on the cocktail napkin.
Two shots rang out, and a third grabbed his jacket and ran.
"Damn you." The princess muttered under her breath, and stabbed the Captain in his face.
Her decorative sandwich toothpick snapped in two, leaving her holding the decorative spleen portion, while the pointy business end jutted painfully out of the cheek of the Captain.
He fell to the floor screaming.
"Horseradish! Not Horseradish!"
The waiter cleared the table.
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
"Well, if you already liked that one, then why bother me?" George swallowed his whiskey awkwardly, as only a bird, or possibly a baby human can.
Mary Darling shot a glance at him and selected the one she secretly wanted all along, and inserted it into her clothing emitter. Instantly, the world exploded into a ball of cranberry jelly.
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
The vast army of cockroaches approached the creeping mass of cranberry jelly in lockstep. They brandished marlin spikes and turnpikes.
"I say," quoth the soaring beetle-hawk,"lets eat them cockroaches, eh?" His wings closed tight against his body, and he dove down, like a hockey player. The roach army disappeared in a puff of feathers, and nine times out of ten, that sort of thing will happen.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
One day, in midsummer, when Helios shines in full power over the earth, and Boreas is sleeping far off, I was tramping through the woods with my loyal dogs, Argos and Colin.
The dogs followed their noses and ears, chasing squirrels and bunnies, and sticking their snouts into gopher holes. The dark wood was lovely and cool.
My senses were overwhelmed by a song that my dogs did not seem to hear. I followed it to a dank cavern that gaped in the side of a mossy hill. The song reverberated through the dark cave. Colin's ears pinned back and he sat outside the cavern, whining slightly.
Argos bravely entered the cavern with me. I lit a makeshift torch, and ventured inside. I slid on the slick muddy floor, and plummeted done into emptyness. The dogs barked above me in the distance.
* * * * * *
I awoke in a dim blue light that had no apparent source, yet lit my surroundings completely. Argos licked my face, which had a bit of clotted blood on it. I stood a bit shaky after my fall, and studied my situation carefully. In the faint light allowed, wild and bizarre shapes twisted their way from the floor to the ceiling, and dark shadows played along the trunks of subterranean trees. The air was cold and thick. Argos stood behind me, and his ears pricked.
A dark stream flowed at my feet, dividing the mossy floor into a veritable archipelago. Albino minnows leapt from the water, and nipped at glowbugs that hung overhead, their reflections in the glassy dark water resembling nothing so much as a large city seen far away at night.
I took a few steps forward, and skipped across a couple of stones in the midst of the stream to the other side of the cavern. Argos stepped lightly on each stone behind me, as if he were afraid to touch the waters.
I was still being drawn to the song that echoed softly in the distance. My eyes strained through the dim lights and shadows but my efforts were not rewarded beyond a few feet and glimpses of large mottled butterflies that flittered across my path in silence.
I patted my dog's head when I found a path that twisted through the trees. The song grew fainter as if it was retreating down the same path. I increased my speed, but the song seemed farther away than ever. I hurried even more, but gained no ground. The song almost drowned out the sound of the rushing wind, the clicking of Argo's claws and my own echoing footsteps.
The darkness swallowed me up.
I groped frantically in the darkness, it seemed to seep into my pores, it was suffocating. I took a few slow steps, and fell into fast flowing water. It was only inches deep, barely above my ankles. I followed the flow, hoping it would lead me. Somewhere.
It did. The water was the same stream that greeted my arrival in the beginning, and was my constant companion during my race through the cavern, though I didn't pay much attention at first. I followed it into a high-ceilinged cathedral of a grotto. Mossy buttresses stretched away, far above, and sweet smelling flowers twinkled in the light of a thousand glow bugs that shone like so many stars in the night sky above me. My attention was completely captivated by a marble figure that stood in a rocky fountain, and sang a song ever so sweet.
The dogs followed their noses and ears, chasing squirrels and bunnies, and sticking their snouts into gopher holes. The dark wood was lovely and cool.
My senses were overwhelmed by a song that my dogs did not seem to hear. I followed it to a dank cavern that gaped in the side of a mossy hill. The song reverberated through the dark cave. Colin's ears pinned back and he sat outside the cavern, whining slightly.
Argos bravely entered the cavern with me. I lit a makeshift torch, and ventured inside. I slid on the slick muddy floor, and plummeted done into emptyness. The dogs barked above me in the distance.
* * * * * *
I awoke in a dim blue light that had no apparent source, yet lit my surroundings completely. Argos licked my face, which had a bit of clotted blood on it. I stood a bit shaky after my fall, and studied my situation carefully. In the faint light allowed, wild and bizarre shapes twisted their way from the floor to the ceiling, and dark shadows played along the trunks of subterranean trees. The air was cold and thick. Argos stood behind me, and his ears pricked.
A dark stream flowed at my feet, dividing the mossy floor into a veritable archipelago. Albino minnows leapt from the water, and nipped at glowbugs that hung overhead, their reflections in the glassy dark water resembling nothing so much as a large city seen far away at night.
I took a few steps forward, and skipped across a couple of stones in the midst of the stream to the other side of the cavern. Argos stepped lightly on each stone behind me, as if he were afraid to touch the waters.
I was still being drawn to the song that echoed softly in the distance. My eyes strained through the dim lights and shadows but my efforts were not rewarded beyond a few feet and glimpses of large mottled butterflies that flittered across my path in silence.
I patted my dog's head when I found a path that twisted through the trees. The song grew fainter as if it was retreating down the same path. I increased my speed, but the song seemed farther away than ever. I hurried even more, but gained no ground. The song almost drowned out the sound of the rushing wind, the clicking of Argo's claws and my own echoing footsteps.
The darkness swallowed me up.
I groped frantically in the darkness, it seemed to seep into my pores, it was suffocating. I took a few slow steps, and fell into fast flowing water. It was only inches deep, barely above my ankles. I followed the flow, hoping it would lead me. Somewhere.
It did. The water was the same stream that greeted my arrival in the beginning, and was my constant companion during my race through the cavern, though I didn't pay much attention at first. I followed it into a high-ceilinged cathedral of a grotto. Mossy buttresses stretched away, far above, and sweet smelling flowers twinkled in the light of a thousand glow bugs that shone like so many stars in the night sky above me. My attention was completely captivated by a marble figure that stood in a rocky fountain, and sang a song ever so sweet.
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