Black and White Dog

Where oh where has my little dog gone?

Oh, where oh where can she be?

I think she's pooping on my neighbors lawn,

or taking a leak on their tree!

She follows her nose where'er she goes,

and scares little children for me!

Ahoy! Is that the neighbors cat?

Ah yes, ah yes, indeed!

Strange how she ignores that cat,

But chases their doggy instead!

Great Debate!

Ok, sorry about the lack of funny recently.

I now bring you the Great Debate!

I recently noticed the popularity of one Superman, (aka Clark Kent) and was slightly disappointed, since I prefer the Green Lantern. The greatest of which is Hal Jordan. Only slightly less great is Kyle Raynor, and if you don't mind scraping the bottom of the Giant Barrel of Class and Style, Guy Gardner and John Stewart are not completely unservicible.

Today's Great Debate is which super Hero is better. Not necessarily stronger or faster, since Superman's limits are theoretical, but merely overall coolness and various qualities that make a good Hero.

Also, I'm only going to use Hal, Kyle, and Clark Kent, since every other variation sucks. (Not that I've seen them all, but this is a fair assumption, get over it.)

Superman

First, look at Superman's costume. He is either too dumb to figure out how to put on his underroos, or he changes clothes so fast, that his pants are on before he finishes pulling up his BVD's.

It is a striking outfit in most other regards, however. Not much chance to enter any sort of stealth mode though, is there?


See how super he looks? The cape is very dramatic. Tons of bulging, rippling muscles as well. It must be hard for artists to contain themselves, I mean, c'mon, he's the greatest, strongest guy in the Universe, so you'd better pack as many swollen muscles on that godlike frame as you can. Somehow, Clark Kent gets rid of all of that added muscle mass instantly, tranforming into the dweebiest dweeb of all. Oh yeah, Superman is a little schitzo.

Oh, and I think maybe he has a hard time fitting pants, 'cause he always wears a belt. But that may just be a sign of the times he was born in.

Character wise, he is too super. Gets kinda boring. Plus, he can't have a love life. He is the last of his kind, there can never be another, without some creative writing.

Superman is an alien, and as such is kinda creepy for anyone to have feelings for. Losing his entire planet and family is pretty good back story, but it's pretty fantastic. You might sometimes want to be like Superman, but nobody wants to actually be him.

Powers include: Flying, moving fast, x-ray vision, lasers shoot out of his eyes, lightning shoots out his ass, he is bullet proof, indestructible, etc. Only weakness is the incredibly easy to obtain Kryptonite, which is supposidly shards of his homeworld. Probably shards of alien broccoli.

And now on to:

The Green Lantern

Hal Jordan

Ah. Now that's style! Sweet custom Domino mask, subdued styling with just the right amount of Heroic Flair. He can go into stealth mode instantly with green, and wont leave any fingerprints behind to incriminate his alter ego.

You will also notice the lack of any sort of cape. Capes have been the downfall of many super Heroes. The mask adds enough drama on it's own. Absolutely no problem with his underpants, and no belt. This is a modern, 'with it' kinda guy.

His hair isn't greasy looking, it's long and full of body. He usually has that sweet Indiana Jones chin stubble.

Character wise, this is one seriously cool dude. Test pilot for fighter planes, he was chosen to be Earth's Green Lantern on account of bravery, fearlessness, integrity, and downright awesomeness.

Hal isn't a disgusting mass of pulsating muscles and veins like some other 'Heroes', but he is well built, and nicely proportioned.

The beauty of the Green Lantern, is the Corps. Anyone can be a Lantern Bearer if they are pure of heart, strong, fearless, have huge brass ones, and can grow chin stubble.

Powers include: Being able to make anything he can imagine out of some kind of light emitted from his rechargable Power ring. Light against Darkness, get it?

I decided to throw in Kyle Rayner for the heck of it. He's got a kickass costume (especially his new one, not pictured). This costume looks even more like a Harlequin, which gets some bonus points from the French Judges.

He's designed for the violent, jaded, MTV generation, mostly focused on weapons, but recently became more stable and respectible. He became a Green Lantern on accident, but that proved fortuituous.

I don't know a whole lot about him, and less about the other slobs that wear Green.

Oops

I forgot to write a sappy 9/11 post today. Here you go:

Sappy, sappy, blah blah,

Sob.

Blah, sappy, sap, sap, damn terrorists.

How am I supposed to watch TV now?

All of my favorite TV torrent sites are ridiculously unreliable, running on flaming pocket calculators somewhere. I don't have time to sit down and watch tv when my shows get broadcast, so I usually download them. Too bad my favorite TV torrent tracking sites are burning heaps of police confiscated crapola.

There. I said it. I download dubiously legal TV shows. Prison Break, 24, Dr. Who, etc. There are hard to find. tvtorrent.info folded a while ago, and now eztvefnet.org is gone. (Well, not gone for sure, just gone for now. Maybe it will come back. Then it will catch on fire again. I'd hate to be the guy that runs it. He must just sit there frantically hacking way, spraying it randomly with a fire extinguisher, kicking it, and then he coaxes it back into operation for about ten minutes, and then it bursts into flames again.

I mean, I could delve into the darkness that is torrentspy, but a good percentage of 'Prison Break' searches deliver results of the XXX variety, or a gazillion episodes from last season. Mininova isn't bad, but I still crave the convenience I once enjoyed.

It's almost as if the media companies that pay for these shows don't like me downloading them, which would mean that I would not watch them at all.

I'm sorry that this a rant, and not 'teh funny', but I am bitter, ok jerkface((s), depending on if that other guy reads this)? (My parenthesis (are) getting (out) of control!))?

Yes. In case you use this thing as a magic eightball, the answer is yes!

Ok, It seems eztvefnet.org is back, but for how long? Who knows? Say, if you are brave, a looking for some fantastically hilarious, slightly less obscene than 'South Park' show, check out the 'Venture Bros'.

My titles lack creativity somehow

NO! It says 'titles' not 'titties'. Perverts.


Here:

No, wait, over there ---> Ha! got you! down there, |


So, got carried away for a moment. Stephen Hawking is looking for a new assistant. Apparently, applicants will need to progress through a wacky castle completing a series of challenges ranging from basic computer programming, to building a room out of a bunch of puzzle pieces. The journey is probably a lot more fun than the destination in this case though. I decided to attempt the impossible, and tried out.

Day 1, 12AM:

There are a lot of dorks lined up in front of the castle with me waiting for the bell. What nerds! They haven't showered in weeks, and they are all wearing stupid anime t-shirts. Met a guy named Felix who plays Chromehounds, found out he's in my squad! Cool!

Day 1, 2PM:

Only half of us made in past the flamingos and the weird memory game to gain entry into the house. Poor Felix got his head blown off by a flamingo's laser.

Day 1, 5PM:

After much struggling, some pain, and a little backstabbing, I made it to the cipher room. I haven't seen any other applicants for 15 minutes, so I think I'm a little behind. Crap. Let's see, t-u?

Day 2, 11PM:

Oh $#!^! It's RSA encrypted! WTF? This is impossible!

Day 3, 12AM:

I killed a man. This is insane. All I wanted was his PBJ sandwich. WHY IS THIS EVEN PART OF THE COMPETITION? Why do we need real guns?

Day 3, 6PM:

Ok, I've got the hang of the whole lion taming thing. I figured out how to work the whip, but the stool? What's that for? Stephen Hawking is crazy! I don't need to kill people or tame lions to be his assistant! This doesn't make sense! Oh, wait, ping pong!

Day 5, 3PM:

Nothing matters but victory. I have tasted success. Failure is not an option. Failure is for the weak. I will emerge the champion, and all others will perish. My glory will shine upon their lifeless corpses, and they will gnash their teeth in envy.

Day 5, 3:30PM:

Aww. I got disqualified. Got one wrong, 'Jai Alai' isn't a parlour game. Crap. Oh well, who wants to wipe dribble from the chin of Dr. Hawking? Made it pretty far though, so I didn't humiliate myself.