Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Randy Greenman's Completely True Tale

Greetings, boys and girls!

This message is brought to you by "Sasquatch" brand deodorant, because smelling like a mysterious hairy ape is sexy as snotballs.

I don't remember when it started, it could have been after Aunt Judy fried up a pair of gym socks and served them for supper, but I think it may have been earlier, perhaps when Grandma Fitzburger got caught breaking into the City Zoo again.

Somewhere around then, aliens stole Grandma's house, and the whole family all climbed aboard the Winnebago to get her back.

We hit the freeway a little after 3 in the afternoon, and before you could say "You must be kidding me!" we were airborne over the Piggly Wiggly.

Before long, we passed over the City Zoo, and my little brother pointed out where Grandma got busted a few days ago by where the zebras were kept, and we noticed that the zebras strips were all gone.

We drove and drove, and it grew increasingly difficult to spot the road signs through the many clouds below us, but we didn't worry much about making a wrong turn, because we could just follow the stream of geese flying away from the giant alien ship steaming through the stratosphere.

Anyway, we soon landed on the ship, climbed through a broken window, and, faster than you can say "Windows on a spaceship?" we had located a computer terminal with which to find Grandma.

We punched in a lot of random buttons, because alien languages are, um, alien and weird, and soon found where Grandma was held.

That's where it all fell apart. Apparently, using the computer terminal alerted the aliens to our presence, because they all rushed in and tried to arrest us. Thus began the first giant battle.

Dad got wounded a little, because we didn't know that alien guns can shoot through plastic, and he was hiding behind a plastic chair at the time.

When the battle slowed down a little, we made a break for the door, and ran around shooting aliens and looking for the room in which Grandma was being held.

Mom found finally found Grandma, and she had a big bag of zebra stripes with her!

We grabbed her and the bag, and ran back out the window of the ship and climbed aboard the Winnebago. It was pretty messy now after driving for so long, so she had to sit on a pile of dirty clothes and empty cans of Pringles.

But we made it back, and I think that's when the adventure really began.



No comments: