Today I thought I'd try to be helpful for a change. Yes, I know, and shut up. Thank you.
Today's topic is Computer Security. I know that can be complicated, so I'm gonna make it simple.
IF you are a geek/nerd, the skip past this part, unless you want to laugh.
1. Get someone to help you. If you can't, there is (a little) hope.
2. Don't use P2P software. It's the stuff you use to download 'free' stuff of questionable (ha!) legality, and it's fraught with spyware.
3. Install a firewall, the more the merrier. Some are free, some ain't. BlackICE is a nice one, but if you didn't know that already, you can't use it, because it's kinda complicated for people like you. I'm sorry.
4. Use some anti-virus software. Any, really, I don't care what brand. Update it frequently, 'cause a million new virii were created before you finished reading this, in fact, if you haven't got an updated anti-virus program, you've probably got a million virii.
5.Mozilla/Firefox. Internet Explorer is a huge security hole. FireFox (so far) isn't. Unless you like uninvited porn ads popping up for no reason, switch to anything but IE. If you've already used IE for a while, it's probably very annoying, and you are constantly wondering what the %$! is wrong with it. Chances are, you've got a ton of 'spyware' and need Ad-aware, or Spybot S&D. Find them, and follow the directions, and directly you will be directed in the right direction.
6.Don't click on email attachments unless you know the source, and you really, really trust them.
6. Pay attention! Look at me! Are you listening? You aren't, are you? Dang it, why did I bother trying to help you?
7.Nevermind, I'm done here.
Ok, now if you ARE a geek, there might be a few things left to do.
8. Find a friend that isn't a geek, and hold their hand while they follow steps 1-6. Or just do it for them, and save a couple hours.
9.Charge them $60 bucks.
10. There are some tools called LANGuard, TDS-3, Nexus, nmap, and etc. Find them, and use them for good. (Can come in handy for step 8)
11. If you are crazy paranoid/uber geeky/not into gaming, try linux.
If things still aren't as secure as you'd like, try Ford's 10 steps to ultra security:
1. unplug everything.
2. inject penicilin into CPU
3.install Tempest shielding in computer room
4.plug everything back in, but install micro-filters in phone/cable line to filter out bacteria. Shine UV lights on cable to kill virii.
5. use a Disney Little Mermaid brand computer, hackers won't hack them because they look stupid.
6. carry a gun to shoot pop up ads. Install wallpaper that says "NO TRESPASSING. POP-UP ADS/HACKERS/VIRII/TROJANS WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT.
7.Run 121 instances of UT2004, and join online games with each. Alternatively, download every game demo you can find on fileshack/filefront/fileplanet/filepile/filehole/filewhateverthe$#@!youlike at once. Nobody will be able to enjoy hacking a computer that is that bogged down.
8. Name your computer FBI SEX PREDATOR HONEYPOT
9. Ground your modem/cable modem with a yellow wire labeled THIS WAY TO COMPUTER. Most virii are really stupid, and can be downloaded safely into the ground.
10. Create a decoy computer named MOM'S COMPUTER NOBODY CARES ABOUT as a decoy. Infect the daylights out of it. Install every virus you can, and download Kazaa and everything. Make that baby die a slow and painful death. While it does, you can connect with your other computer named SECRET SERVICE IP ADDRESS TRACKING COMPUTER. The decoy will deter hackers, and all of those virii should kill anything trying to get past to your other computer. For bonus points, wire that decoy to a homebuilt Claymore mine/shotgun trap, and laugh as those fools are sent to their maker with a face full of lead shot.
Ok, now you are bored to tears, and no longer have your hot XXX pop-ups to enjoy in front of your 8 yr old kids. Oh well. Poor you.
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